Ranking the Worst Modes of Transportation

We’ve simultaneously expanded our modes of transportation beyond belief and maintained all the terrible elements of traveling, parceled out amongst our different modes of transportation. Yes, the fact we can get from New York to London in 6 hours is remarkable. However, why don’t they just make bigger bathrooms. Get rid of one row of seats and double the bathroom size. I’ll pay an extra $5 to my bill if I know that’s what it’s going towards.

  1. Walking

There’s some caviats to this. I don’t like sweating if I have to go sit down afterwards. So walking to class in the 95 degree heat with a backpack on is less than ideal. Because then you get the back sweat going and the armpit and before you know it you’re the “sweaty guy” on campus. HOWEVA, there’s like a 2 week span in March and then another 2 weeks in October where you can walk around in shorts and t-shirt without sweating where walking is just exceptional. Plus, with walking, you can tell yourself you exercised. Thus saving yourself from exercising.

  1. Planes 

I don’t have strong takes on this one and my therapist says that’s okay.

  1. Trains

Amtrak’s motto should be “Shut up and stop complaining or we’ll put you on the Greyhound”. Every train I’ve been on with Amtrak has been delayed by an hour. And it’s always because of an unexpected freight train on the track. A 200 car freight train, moving 12 mph, cannot possibly be unexpected. There are just so many railroad tracks, but we have to be on the one that the freight train is on. You know what’s a scam? The Amish people taking the train. Like, either you’re in on the modern world or you’re not. You want to live like it’s 1850? You’re only allowed to take trains that were made in the 1850s then, no?

There’s essentially 5 types of people who ride on Amtraks: people one tax bracket above the people riding Greyhound, college students, Amish people, freshly out of prison felons, and a woman who’s going to talk for the entire 5 hour ride to her sister on the phone about every single family member that’s ever existed.

  1. Ubers

First things first, shoutout Desus Nice, don’t talk to me in the Uber Pool fam this is not the grade school car pool, I don’t know you like that.

Secondarily, if you’re the driver, I’ll be making the decision on whether or not conversations will commence. A quick guide to whether or not a conversation will occur:

uber driver talk

  1. Greyhounds

You’re a special kind of creature if you ride on a Greyhound. Much like how everyone should work a food service job in their life, everyone should have to take a Greyhound across the middle of America. Just to know that there’s a country full of human beings out there that are different than what you’re used to. It’s like when Will Smith goes into the back of the Post Office in Men In Black 2, and they all take their masks off to reveal their true selves.

You’ll notice I only put Greyhound on here, because it’s the only bus brand I’ve ever been on. If you take the Megabus or one of these other third rate bus companies, tell me in advance so I can get a 100 yard girth (????) between us. I’m not with that. There are deep seeded mental irregularities that leads someone to say “Greyhound? Nah, that’s a little too fancy for me. I’ll take the Megabus instead”.


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