Weekly Alien Update: Scientists “Unsure” How Tools In Phillipines Are 600,000 Years Older Than The First Known Humans To Live There

Sauce: Stone tools found in the Philippines predate the arrival of modern humans to the islands by roughly 600,000 years—but researchers aren’t sure who made them. But the age of the remains makes them especially remarkable: The carved bones are most likely between 631,000 and 777,000 years old, with researchers’ best estimate coming in around 709,000 years old. The research—partially funded by the National Geographic Society—pushes back occupation of the Philippines to before the known origin of our species, Homo sapiens. The next-earliest evidence of Philippine hominins comes from Luzon’s Callao Cave, in the form of a 67,000-year-old foot bone.

Look it’s just impossible to know where these tools came from. Scientists are baffled that our meager human minds can’t come up with a reason for why something inconceivable has happened.

I imagine scientist nerds at big chalk boards like in cartoons, writing down equations for everything. They keep trying to figure it all out. The heads of Easter island. The Pyramids. The 700,000 year old tools. And none of their equations work! Not one of them! Little do they know about this nutty little variable. No, it’s not the imaginary number (humble brag, I took college algebra).

Plug in for alien, and they all even out. You can shift the numbers to either side, hit it with a derivative or whatever other shit you want, and it equals out. Just admit it fellas, you’ve got nothing. Quit the charade. I know, it’s keeping you in business. We all learned from Fairly Oddparents that if you make a pencil that never loses its sharp, Timmy Turner’s dad is going to lose his job. So you’ve got to keep the lights on.

When President Trump got elected, I figured two things would occur. First off, we’d get some hot confidential info about one of the Presidents. Whether it be who killed JFK, other places and things Bill Clinton entered himself into, or just how Taft got stuck in that tub. Next, we were definitely going to hear about the aliens. There’s still time left. So I ask Sean Hannity, Stephen Miller, and the fine folks of Fox and Friends: start talking about aliens. Day and night, wall to wall, give us alien coverage. Push the President’s hand and you’ll win the next election 538-0.

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